Cooked by TFW: Treat Yourself with Victory Cookies
Welp… I had it all planned out, gang…
I was going to brag that it’s my birth week, with this Saturday being “the 32nd anniversary of my arrival on Earf.” I had this elaborate rant about how Coach LA couldn’t deny this week’s entry because it was my birthday gift to y’all… Could you imagine how much I could talk about myself for my birthday? It’s a lot…
Don’t worry. You’re still getting the same recipe I planned on making. I just can’t wax poetic about myself anymore. “But Tym! You’re hilarious! We love you! Why are you denying us the best part of our week?” Well, chefs… because life can change in the blink of an eye. I’ve had this post written out for like… two weeks… and then all it took was 27 seconds to render my first draft meaningless.
On Friday, July 21, I watch my protégé, my youngest padawan, Devon “The Beast” Butler, knock a dude out in less than 30 seconds. So now I must concede the pre-recipe portion of this week’s post to congratulate my baby brother! He now holds the gym record for fastest TKO… I can’t remember what the old record was; it doesn’t even matter… it has been broken, and so has the man who set it… (yeah, it was mine – a minute and 15 seconds – and I don’t think I’m okay with second place… For those wondering, I did the math: My TKO = 2.81 Devon's TKO. I’m slow and old and slow… and old…)
I’ve made him Victory Cookies after each of his fights, and my original plan was to do that after this fight and just write a small blurb about his win in today’s post while going on and on about how generous I am for giving up my top-secret cookie recipe on my birth week… but nooooooooooo! He stole my TKO record! He stole my bragging time in this post! He’s a decade younger than I am (a point hitting home a lot harder this week, of all weeks) and I don’t know if I’m really ready to pass any torches… BUT SOMETHING TELLS ME HE MIGHT JUST PUNCH ME IN THE NOSE AND TAKE THE TORCH AND I WON’T HAVE ANY SAY IN IT!
I bet this is how Brett Favre felt when the Packers told him Aaron Rodgers was the QB now. (That’s a solid, well-known football reference, but I feel like my core audience didn’t get it. I could see Coach LA waving her fist in the air, screaming “SPORTSBALLS” before deleting this entire paragraph.)
ANYWAY!!!! Congrats Devon… I truly am super proud of you, baby brother… But like any good sibling rivalry, if you touch my Xbox again, I will lock you in the basement… proverbially speaking… OOOH! Thinking out loud here… what if we did 27 body conditioning ball slams on Devon for his win?!
As I stated earlier, this week, we’re making my top-secret Victory Cookies. And yes, I AM super generous for teaching you all such a coveted treat. Last week, I showed y’all the perfect date night dinner and this week I’m showing you the perfect date night dessert… Next thing you know, I’ll have a #DatingByTFW series and give away all my smooth dating advice! (First Date Pro Tip: take them to karaoke… It’s just like going out for drinks with built-in free entertainment! And even if you can’t sing, they’ll think you’re super adventurous. It’s a great icebreaker, I’m a genius, and you’re welcome.) Until then… let’s get our cookie on! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL OF US!!!!
- 1/3 Cup Butter (Listen… follow your heart… but I usually make these with bacon fat. I didn’t for today because Devon and I have fights coming up… DID YOU KNOW I WAS [getting ready to be] IN FIGHT CAMP???? Oh man, it feels good to say that again.)
- 1/3 Cup White Sugar
- 1/3 Cup Dark Brown Sugar
- 1 Egg
- 1 Cup Flour
- 1 Tablespoon Cocoa Powder (I use dark chocolate cocoa… but, as always, follow your heart)
- 1/4 Teaspoon Baking Soda
- 1 Teaspoon Cinnamon
- 1/2 Teaspoon Salt
- 1/4 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract (LISTEN!!! We’re all adults… if you’re using “imitation vanilla,” you gotta ask yourself… who hurt you? I’d also like to take this time to get my weekly Costco plug in: I get my vanilla extract from Costco. 16 oz for less than $10… I dare you to find those prices at Target or Trader Joes or wherever you normally sell yourself short at… “at wherever you normally sell yourself short?” Coach LA, help!) - Note from L.A. - it is the latter option
- 1-2 HANDFULS of Chocolate Chips
1. Preheat the oven to… how complicated do I want to make this?
Sea Level: 340º
High Altitude (Hi, Denverites): 360º
If you – like me – are fortunate enough to have a convection oven (and live at a high altitude): 335º (otherwise, sea level convection ovens can be 325º)
There is so much baking science that goes into the proper temperature for cookies, but I’m already at 835 words and, so far, I’ve only told you to preheat an oven to four different temperatures.
2. Soften the butter (coughbaconfatcough) in the microwave. It shouldn’t be completely melted. PRO TIP: DO NOT USE A WHISK TODAY! Most cookie recipes will say, “use a wooden spoon;” well, this ain’t “most cookie recipes.” Use a firm silicone spatula. You’re going to fold the ingredients into each other, starting with the softened butter, vanilla, and both of your sugars. Once that’s combined, add your egg and ONLY fold it until the egg becomes combined with your mix. DO NOT OVERMIX!
3. Add your salt, cinnamon, baking soda, and cocoa powder next, folding until combined. Then sift in your flour… I said it in the waffle recipe, if you just dump unsifted flour into a recipe, you don’t deserve nice things… These cookies are the NICEST of things, so sift your flour OR DON’T EVEN BOTHER TRYING! Fold it all up into one delicious chocolate dough ball and then add your chocolate chips… For these Victory Cookies, there is no such thing as “too many chips;” I just said 1-2 handfuls because measurements are important in recipes you find on the internet, even made up ones.
4. Use your favorite spoon to make 12-16 dough balls on a greased baking sheet, 2 inches apart from each other. Pop them in the oven for 10-12 minutes, depending on your oven type and sea level, of course. Another pro tip: invest in a cooling rack. After you take the cookies out of the oven, let them sit on the baking sheet for about a minute then transfer to the cooling rack for another 5-10 minutes.
5. Most important step… After they have fully cooled, place six cookies in a sandwich bag and hand that bag to Devon Butler for smashing a dude in the face and you in the feels in only 27 seconds, then weep uncontrollably while eating the remaining cookies and watching your old fight videos on YouTube…
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT! My top-secret Victory Cookies! Make them for the winners in your life and – as always – THANK ME IN THE MORNING!