Cooked by TFW: Dog Treats
Hey fight fam! Happy Hallowait… what? That was last week? Right, but this is the Halloween post I’ve been planning for weeks… I what? Missed the deadline? BY A WEEK?! (Hey, kids… All Caps Tym is apparently back… find your favorite adult beverage [assuming you are of legal drinking age] and start kicking back shots every time I go BIG word crazy]
So yeah… we didn’t have a post last week, and nobody is really to blame (it’s totally on me… ) so let’s not point fingers at anyone (because I’m cranky enough to snatch it clean off your hand). Life happens. I’m still mentally recovering from the fight, my personal life has been A MESS (drink), and my day jobs – plural – have kept me busy. Speaking of… we’re beefing with Taco Bell right now. Don’t ask for details, but there’s a specific store out by the airport that has wasted hours of my life the last two weeks for work… Ugh… I’ve said too much. Anyway, this blog, sadly, fell through the cracks.
But I had a great idea for Halloween, and since we saw the end of Daylight Savings Time this past weekend, I propose we set our calendars one week back and just pretend THIS (drink) is the as-planned Halloween Cooked By TFW post from last week. Just to sweeten the pot…
I’M GIVING YOU GOONS TWO RECIPES THIS WEEK! (drink… like… the entire bottle…)
So let’s hop in our wayback machines… we’re going to last week!
[Imagine me waving all twelve of my fingers to symbolize we are going back in time]
Hey fight fam! Happy Halloween!!!! Well, It’s actually November 1st (WINK WINK [drink drink]), so hopefully y’all had a good Trick or Treat haul last night! We’re all adults here, so Halloween for most of us is either about dressing up in ridiculous costumes and partying with people we barely like, taking our kids to around the neighborhood to see which of our neighbors hates happiness (seriously… if anyone gives your candy corn, report them to the authorities immediately. Also, find the house that gives King Size bars, and befriend them), orrrrrr if – like me – you’re childless and soulless, you’re hiding in your house with the lights off, praying the neighborhood kids won’t egg your place while playing video games or binge watching Steven Universe again…
Actually, this Halloween, I sat at a Taco Bell for hours trying to track down the store’s general manager after he no-showed on a scheduled meeting about some security footage… ugh… Brian… obstructer of justice…
Anyway… while I don’t have human children… THAT I KNOW OF – drink… twice: once for the all caps, and then again in memory of my dignity… it died… that was a lame, predictable joke – anyone who knows me knows I have a fur baby who is my absolute world: Rosco Alabaster Gooden, aka “Rosco Puppy.”
If you want to bring happiness into your life, search the hashtags #366DaysOfSco and #365DaysOfSco on Instagram, where I celebrate the first and second anniversaries of adopting my handsome boy! Rosco is my shadow, my sous chef in the kitchen, my wingman, my big spoon. Wherever I go, there he is! And while I may personally hate Halloween, Rosco LOVES (drink) to dress up!
…no he doesn’t… he hates things on his head… Look at how angry he is at me for dressing him up as a king and a shark… Look at that face. He hates it. He hates me. While we are united in our disdain for costumes, the kid does like to look dapper just like me! He has three different bow tie collars.
Okay, so that’s my dog. This week’s TWO (drink) recipes are dedicated to him!
We all love dogs (this isn’t up for debate; even cat lovers secretly like dogs… why else would they immediately tell you “oh, my cat is different; it’s just like a dog” if not because the secretly love dogs but are trash people who hate unconditional love? I’m looking directly at you, Scott). We’ve spent a good chunk of this year learning how to eat healthier, but what about the canines in our lives? You know… the ones for whom we’re getting in better shape, so we can take them on longer walks and play in parks without getting winded.
All these [sarcastic air quotes] “real parents” with their gross human children spent their Halloween eating candy and chocolates that would kill our precious, better, snugglier fur babies… HOW DARE THEY (drink)! So let’s give our four-legged angels some healthy homemade treats, made with love BY US (drink)… instead of processed goods given to them by strangers like those other people’s walking petri dishes of diseases…
Two confessions before we hop into the recipes… We know how important pics are to me in these posts.
1) In the cookies recipe, I say to use bananas, and even have a picture of the bananas I was going to use… but they went super bad super fast and so I had to make the cookies with eggs instead. Either is fine. They are a binding agent more than anything. If you want your cookies to be vegan, go bananas (…pun unintend?); if you – like me – froze some bananas before they were too ripe, and then thawed them in the fridge for a day and they went super spoiled in the 18 hours you left them unattended, then go ahead and use eggs. Baking 101: 1 egg = 1 banana if ever you want to substitute eggs out of a recipe. You could also go 3/4 Cups of applesauce instead of the 2 bananas in this specific recipe… Point is… I screwed up and used eggs…
2) You might notice there is no final pic for the frozen pumpkin bites recipe… It takes about 8-12 hours for them to freeze, and – surprise – I didn’t make them until late Tuesday night, so by the time you’re reading this, they’ll just be finished freezing. Use your imagination… Rosco probably loved them.
Man, remember last week, October 25, (because we’re still pretending this is Halloween week) when I gave you a full blog post in under 800 words? Yeah, we just hit 1,039 words… Welcome back, Long-Winded Tym…
ON TO THE RECIPES! (drink!)
Meal 1: Homemade (possibly vegan) doggie cookies
- 1 Cup Rice Flour (I have a story about this… in the directions)
- 2 Ripe Bananas (or 2 Eggs… or applesa… you know what? I already explained myself)
- 1/4 Cup Creamy Peanut Butter
1. Save your money on Rice Flour. STORY TIME! (drink) So this past weekend (which was actually the weekend after Halloween, so technically it happened… after?… this post was published… on Nov 1?… [Honestly, I make these nonsensical asides and jokes to amuse myself, but even this one got away from me]) when I went to buy ingredients for this bomb pizza I made completely from scratch (drink… it wasn’t all caps, but do it for the humble brag), I picked up a 24 oz bag of Brown Rice Flour for like $4.99. Now, my day jobs do pay well enough that I could splurge on this random baking ingredient… but I did say earlier that we were making these cookies WITH LOVE (drink). So I went home without the overpriced flour and pulled out my bought-from-Costco (SERIOUSLY [drink] all I want for Christmas is a lifetime sponsorship from Costco) bag of short-grain brown rice!
Wow… that last paragraph had soooooo many parentheticals in it… Also, we’re at 1261 words.
TL;DR: The first step is “make your own rice flour.” All you need to do is put a cup of brown rice in your food processor (or magic bullet… The bullet actually worked better than the food processor) and process it into a fine powder. Pro Tip: every so often, separate out the larger pieces by sifting your flour. That way, your processor is only grinding the unprocessed pieces it needs to and isn’t getting jammed up by the already-ground flour.
2. Mix ingredients. In a mixing bowl, add your banana and mash it up. Then add your peanut butter and whisk it all together. Then add your rice flour, a quarter cup at a time, and fold together until it combines. Knead the mix into a ball of dough and chill it for about 20-30 minutes.
3. Time to bake. Preheat your oven to 325º. Roll out your dough to about a half-inch thick. Using your favorite cookie cutter, start cutting out your cookies. Ball up your dough, roll it out again, and cut out more cookies until you use up all the dough. Place your cookies on a parchment-lined baking sheet and bake for 30 minutes. Let the cookies cool completely before you feed them to your pup (preferably not in one sitting).
Meal 2: Frozen Pumpkin Bites
- 1 Can of Pumpkin Puree
- 1 Cup of Plain Yogurt
- 1/2 Cup of Creamy Peanut Butter
- 1 Teaspoon of Cinnamon
1. Mix It. This is a pretty straightforward recipe. Toss everything into a bowl. If you have a stand mixer, boom. If you have a food processor with a dough blade, bang. If you have an electric hand mixer, pow. Point is… Get the four ingredients into a bowl and mix it all together using some sort of appliance. (At this point in the post… I’m realizing how much I’ve rambled. Plus, I’m annoyed I didn’t get the pics earlier and have no “ooh, Rosco likes it” shot. Also… 1,593 words.)
2. Freeze It. Transfer the mix to an ice cube tray (or trays… depending on size). I think the silicone trays work better. Toss it in the freezer for a minimum 8-12 hours.
3. Enjoy It. Pop them out and feed your pup… again, in moderation.
AND (drink) THERE (drink) YOU (drink) HAVE (drink) IT(drink)! Two delicious treats for your puppers. One of them is kinda fall-related… You people love your pumpkins in November, and since today is the first day of… Okay, I’m over the joke. Enjoy the treats. Share pics on the social medias using the hashtag #CookedByTFW. And – as always – thank me in the morning!